Wednesday, August 31, 2005

My HUGE announcement

I'm going to make this a quick one...

I'm very pleased to announce that I am now engaged to a wonderful man. Yep folks, Steve finally popped the question... and of course I accepted. We thinking maybe doing it next Spring. We want to focus on getting our house and stuff first. I'm sooooo excited!!!!

I'm not into a huge wedding.. up until a couple weeks ago I wasn't into weddings.. LOL. Anywho.. it's just going to be a small, but nice ceremony. All I care about is that I'm going to marry the most wonderful man. I love him with all my heart... never loved anyone this much!!!

Not much else to write about right now.. but I get more on here later.

Monday, August 29, 2005

The "JOJO" project

Wow.. what a weekend it has been. This weekend I had some pretty upsetting moments. I also realized by these feelings that I really do have such a wonderful man. I made a very stupid mistake by comparing him to my ex. This was probably the most awful and cruel thing I could ever of done. So, he did something that kind of reminded me of what I had to go through when I was with the "asshole", but there's no way in hell I could ever compare my loving, sweet, kind, and thoughtful man to the most horrible, cruel, coldhearted SOB I've ever known. I don't know if it's possible, but this weekend I've fallen so much more in love with my wonderful man. I've now changed my views on something I wrote a few posts ago.. I know can openly say that "I hope I marry this man someday!!!" Can you believe it??? I want to marry this man!!! I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I've known that for a while... but now I actually want to make it offical one day.

Ok, so enough with all that. The real reason for this post is that over this weekend, I've decided to start something that I've wanted to do for a very long time. I've started writing a book. I've always enjoyed writing, and with the shit that I've been through in my life I definately thought I could make a book out of it. I thought it might be interesting to read about all that crap. Teen pregnancy, abusive relationship.. just to name a couple of things I've been through.. there are so many more. So, I sat down at the computer yesterday and started at it. The words seemed to flow out of me so easily. I'm only half way through the first chapter, but I want to keep going until it's done. I don't know if it will be something I'll try and get published, it's mainly for my sake.... but we'll see.

Ok, so there's the update for now. I'll keep updating on my progress on my book.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Trying a few new things

Well, my baby and I have decided to try something new. He's had a website for a long time now.. but he's decided he's gonna try and revamp it by adding a discussion forum. He's included me on the whole thing.. and I'm really excited. It's gonna be kind of hard to find members.. but I'm working on that. For anyone that stumbles across this blog.. it's It's totally free to register and post. I hope it's gonna be lots of fun.

Well, it was my daughter's second day of Kindergarten today. She got to ride the school bus for the first time.. and she very much enjoyed it.

Tonight she finally got the guts up to talk to Steve about her calling him "daddy". He told her that it was ok, and so most of the evening she's been calling him "daddy". This is quite humorous to me.. I don't know why.. I guess it will take some getting used to. I know it seems kind of fast to be doing something like this.. but believe me, if I didn't think he was the "real deal" it would never happen. I love him very much, and trust his decision. If this is something he really wants then I'm ok with it. But it had to be something that they REALLY wanted to happen. Payton (my daughter) seems to be very happy with it. My son is a little thrown off.. but I think he'll fall into suit soon. I'm not going to pressure either one of them into this.. just as I hope Steve doesn't feel like he was pressured into it. I want all three of them to be comfortable with it.. but I have to admit.. it definately makes me love him that much more.. if that's possible. It helps me feel like we're more of a family.

The subject of marriage has popped up quite a bit between my friends and myself here lately. I have, here in the past 4 years, been DEAD SET AGAINST marriage. I see too many break ups, divorces and stuff. But, I have to admit.. as much as I hate to... that I'd probably marry this man... that's how much I love him. But that is something that is probably a lil early to be talking about... but we'll see what happens in the future.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Life is Great

Not really much to update on right now... Except the biggest memorable moment of MY LIFE!!!!
He loves me!!!! I didn't think the day would come so soon... but he does. He told me the other night. I couldn't help but break into tears. I don't think I've ever been so happy before in my life. Like I've said before, I've had love in my life before... at least I thought I had.. until I met Steven. I am soooo happy!!!

The past 4 months of my life has given me a "start over". I've been given the chance to let go of my past.. and start over new. I still have the occasional nightmare, basically cause I'm still scared that this could end at any moment. But I've tried to drill into my head that I can't let that happen. I feel that this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I've never been able to make that statement before. We've talked a lot about things to come in our life.. buying a house being the biggest one of those things.

My children have asked A LOT if this man is going to be their "new" dad. It's very hard to answer this question. I love my children very much, and they have never had a strong role model in their life except my dad. They think the world of "Steve" (that's what they call him). My daughter has asked me several times why she can't call him "dad". Once again, I don't know how to answer this question. This should be between them and him. It's a lot to ask a man that's only been in their lives such a short time... but I think that they're ready to make the step over.. just as I have.

It was my daughter's first day of Kindergarten yesterday. She was so excited!! I cried. LOL. She very much wanted Steven and I both to pick her up from school, and we did. She really didn't have much to say about her first day except it was great. Steven and her are now gone to Fayettville together to go and buy some rats for Baldasarre (our snake). I think this will be great for her.. as she has been yearning so much to spend some time with him.

Ok, well that's the update so far.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Emotional Rollercoaster

Have you ever been so happy you think you might explode??? That's how I've felt all weekend. Even though this past week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.. there's been one person here to make things feel all better. (You know who you are baby ;) ) Just when I thought I couldn't be any more lonely.. any more unhappy...I find the most wonderful man.

They say things happen when you least expect it.. well I definately am a strong believer of that. He has opened my eyes to so many wonderful things. He cares, he wants to listen, he wants to talk. The adrenaline that rushes through my veins when he holds me.. when he kisses me.. just can't be described. I've never really been a believer in true love. Don't get me wrong.. I've loved before... but never the kind of love that makes you think you can just float up into the sky.. that nothing can ever go wrong. That's the kind of love that I have for him. Even though the feelings aren't mutual just yet... I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE!!!!! 5 words I never thought would ever come from my lips.. EVER.

I've always liked to think of myself as a romantic. I watch love movies and yearn for what they have... cry with them.. but it's just the movies. I never in a million years believed that this stuff happened in real life. How wrong I was. Guys have come and gone in my life.. no biggie.. I move on. But this one has come.. and I hope that NEVER leaves. The thought of him leaving me would actually break my heart. And if you're reading this.. even though I don't have the guts to tell you to your face.. as I know that you yet don't feel the same.. I have something I want to tell you.... I LOVE YOU!!!! Please know that I'm not asking for anything in return. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know you said that you don't get freaked out... but if I've done that by what I've wrote.. I'm sorry... but you told me that you wanted to know what I was feeling.. Well, here you go.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Life's a Bitch... and SO AM I

The title pretty much says it all for today. I'm not going to go into my drawn out past.. but to make a very long story short....

I was in the relationship from hell 4 years ago. A child was a product of this relationship. I love my son very much, but wouldn't really care if the ground that my ex walked on swallowed him whole. For most of my son's life I had never stopped my ex from seeing him. He chose not to... either by having his sorry ass thrown in jail, living 300 miles away, or just out doing it when it was convinient for him. Time after time I had to watch my son suffer as the asshole came in and out of his life. Finally, after a huge fight.. and him having me thrown in jail (long story, don't want to go into), I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to put my son through all the heart ache anymore. I found out a couple of months ago that my ex had enlisted into the national guard (biggest joke I'd ever heard in my life). He was going to Iraq!!!! He wanted to say his final goodbyes to his son before he left. I said no. Three months later, his sorry ass is still here.. and he's getting married on Saturday (which my son was not invited to), and leaving for Iraq next week. Not once has he tried to have anything to do with him, and now all of a sudden I'm getting the guilt trip from hell from his family because I won't let him see my son. Am I wrong??? Maybe. But I've spoke to my son about the situation.. and granted he is still very young, I respect his decision that he doesn't want to see his father. There is a new man in his life now. A man that's there for him, every day when he gets home from school... on weekends.. and everything in between. My kids finally have some stability in their life, and I'm not going to fuck it all up because of a guilt trip. The asshole has had control over my life way too long... it's over.. not happening anymore!!!! I've moved on... I made a promise to my children (I have a daughter also that isn't biogically his) that I would find them someone so much better to be in their lives. They both believe that I have fulfilled this promise.. and that's all that matters to me.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Finally Climbed the Wall

Well, it's very weird how so much can change in a day. The wall that I so desperately wanted to climb over... has finally been done!!! Not just that, but I was able to take a sledge hammer to it.

Last night was one of the most important nights of my life. Last night, I swallowed all doubts and fears that I had about my relationship. Can I guarantee now that it's going to work out between us?? NO, of course not. But I'm sure going to put my heart and soul into making it the best relationship possible. I haven't felt so free in so long. It's like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of my shoulders. I finally got to see the real inside of the man that I have shared my life with for the past 3 months... and now I want to keep sharing it for as long as he can put up with me ;)

The thought of being able to share my thoughts, opinions and feelings with a man was so not believeable to me. Men have never been interested about what's going on in my head. Nor have they wanted to hear about the things that have been bothering me, things that are on my mind, problems that are going on in my head... but he does!! He has also been able to share his thoughts and secrets with me... and the thought that a man wants me to know everything about him (good or bad) is one of the most important things I've ever came across. I've never thought about it before.. being that I never thought that would be something given to me by a man. So, is it true love??? No, it's not to that level yet.... but I would like it to get there someday. I don't know what I would do without him now. I hate being away from him, when he leaves me to go to work at night I miss him so much, when I'm at work I can't wait to get home to him. I can finally say for the first time in almost 5 1/2 years..... I'M HAPPY.. REALLY, TRULY HAPPY!!

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Life and Times of Me

It's weird for me to have an online journal that can be seen by anyone. But then on the other hand there has to be people out there that goes through the same shit I do on a daily basis. I'm hoping I can use this to vent, discuss, and basically just share the crap that I endure on a daily basis.

I'm going through a very rough time in my life right now. I've been single for over 4 years starting out a relationship with a great guy. This should be a good thing for most people, but for me it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. My last relationship was a living nightmare... those nightmares that seem to be coming to me now on a nightly basis. I'm not used to being shown respect, attention and most of all love. Which I don't even know if that's what it really is. He hasn't told me that he loves me, just that he wants me to be happy. That's not the same thing.. is it?? I don't think so. I can't help but feel resentment in my heart towards my boyfriend. Maybe that's not the right word to use. Basically, I have a very hard time trusting any man... I always believe that there is an alternate motive going on in their heads.

I have thought of myself these past 4 years as the "lay over" for guys. The girl that a guy can go to in between finding someone that they really want to be with. I do feel different with Steve, however my heart, mind and soul continues to not allow me become too attached. My mind constantly reminds me of my past, mostly by dreams.. but other things too. It's like a wall I really want to climb, but just can't seem to get over it. How do I know he's for real?? How do I know that the minute I let my guard down he won't leave?? I don't. I've taken risks in the past... most of the time bad ones, but something tells me that he might be the one. I don't want to screw things up with him becaus of my past. I want to be able to let go of it... move on... be happy. How do I do that??