Monday, August 08, 2005

The Life and Times of Me


It's weird for me to have an online journal that can be seen by anyone. But then on the other hand there has to be people out there that goes through the same shit I do on a daily basis. I'm hoping I can use this to vent, discuss, and basically just share the crap that I endure on a daily basis.

I'm going through a very rough time in my life right now. I've been single for over 4 years starting out a relationship with a great guy. This should be a good thing for most people, but for me it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. My last relationship was a living nightmare... those nightmares that seem to be coming to me now on a nightly basis. I'm not used to being shown respect, attention and most of all love. Which I don't even know if that's what it really is. He hasn't told me that he loves me, just that he wants me to be happy. That's not the same thing.. is it?? I don't think so. I can't help but feel resentment in my heart towards my boyfriend. Maybe that's not the right word to use. Basically, I have a very hard time trusting any man... I always believe that there is an alternate motive going on in their heads.

I have thought of myself these past 4 years as the "lay over" for guys. The girl that a guy can go to in between finding someone that they really want to be with. I do feel different with Steve, however my heart, mind and soul continues to not allow me become too attached. My mind constantly reminds me of my past, mostly by dreams.. but other things too. It's like a wall I really want to climb, but just can't seem to get over it. How do I know he's for real?? How do I know that the minute I let my guard down he won't leave?? I don't. I've taken risks in the past... most of the time bad ones, but something tells me that he might be the one. I don't want to screw things up with him becaus of my past. I want to be able to let go of it... move on... be happy. How do I do that??

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