Christmas time!!!

Well, it looks as though I've been posting about once a month which seems to be ok. Can't really do it more than that - cause it takes a while to gather enough stuff to talk about.

The new job is still going great. I have been able to work a lot more with the Executive Vice President of the Benefits department - Susan Chambers. Her name has been in the media a lot due to a memo that got leaked out to an anti Wal-Mart group. Most people outside of Wal-Mart know her as the "evil woman who stops associates from getting hired at Wal-Mart". I know her as an awesome person to work with. She is so funny and friendly, and makes me feel very good about the job that I'm doing. What people didn't realize from that memo was that she was given suggestions on how to make benefits better for associates - not worse. I don't care what anyone else says about her - I think she's great!!! My boss is also as wonderful. She has really let me get into what it is that she does, and help out with research and stuff. If nothing else, this job is going to be a great learning experience.

I'm on vacation now for Christmas. I'm really excited about it. Only 2 days left to go - and I think I'm just as excited as my kids are. Steve still isn't showing any kind of enthusiasm for the holidays. I'm a little sad by this - but I'm still hoping he will come around. We are going to go to his parents' house tomorrow (Christmas Eve) so the kids can get their presents. Then Christmas morning the kids are going to open their presents from Santa and then we head over to my parents house for 2 days of fun, food, and merriment. (That's another word for alcohol.. LOL) We are also taking our friend, Curtis, with us. He doesn't have anything to do Christmas day - so my parents have graciously invited him to spend Christmas with them. I'm so excited about this being the first Christmas in 5 years that I'm going to have a man to share it with. Steve is going to get to meet my brother - yea - whom I don't get along with very well. My other brother is also coming down from Kansas - Steve likes him. So, needless to say, the house is going to be a little crowded. But that's just the way I like it.

Well, I guess this is it until the New Year. This year has gone by so fast. I'll update in January on how Christmas and New Year's Eve goes. Happy holidays to you all.

The New Job

(The beautiful girl in the picture is my adorable neice, Kiersten. My brother's ex sent me some great new pics of her.. ain't she cute??) Well, I'm one week in to my new position. I'm absolutely LOVING IT!!!! My boss is a very awesome women that I know is going to be a great person to work for. Things are a lot slower paced than when I was in the legal dept. but I think things will pick up the more I move into the position. I pretty much get to make my own hours which is totally AWESOME!! I got to get off early today (Friday) which was great. In my old position that was never allowed. My boss goes on vacation next week, and I get to get a laptop and work some from home. Things couldn't be better ;)

Things at home are also great. I'm getting excited about the holidays. We put the kids' toys on layaway a couple of weeks ago. I can't wait till next Friday when I can start decorating the house. Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday. I try to go all out, even though we really can't afford it. I just can't wait for this time next year when we will be in our nice big house getting ready for Christmas.

We're going to be having Thanksgiving at my parent's house. This will be just a small taste for Steve for what holidays are like with my parents. He's really not into holidays, but I'm hoping the kids and my parents will help bring him around a little on that. They love to have a good time this time of year.

Well, that's all for now.. till next time ;)

Life is Good

Wow.. a month has past. (The picture is of my beautiful children dressed for Halloween, well my daughter is my son didn't dress up on that day) I should really try and keep up with this thing better. I have some more wonderful news to share with you all:

A week ago, I had an interview with a V.P. of a new dept that is being implemented in the company. For those that don't know, I work for Wal-Mart at the Home Office. I've been there a little over a year. The dept is called Benefit Strategies and Communications. It's basically a dept that is going to try and help with all the bad media and stuff we get about our wages and benefits. It's working very close with Public Relations and Corporate Affairs. I didn't know any of this before I went to the interview, as I hadn't even applied for the job. Somehow, the V.P. got a hold of my resume and called me in for an interview.

She was a very nice woman. I liked her very much. We basically talked and laughed through the whole interview. Very little of it actually focused on work. I went back to work with a great feeling. She had told me that I would have my answer in a couple of days. A couple of days went by with no word, I emailed the recruiter and she said that the V.P. had been very busy and unable to get the decision made. I decided to give it a couple more days. A week later, I sent another email to the recruiter and was told that she had decided to continue interviewing. I was pretty upset, being that I had been sure that she liked me.

Well, apparently that had been a decoy to push me off track... I received a phone call from the recruiter the next day that I had the job. I almost cried!!! So, I am now a V.P. (Vice President in case you don't get that part) Assistant!!! This is a very big promotion from me. I have been told by lots of people that it is very unusual for someone to move up that fast in the company... but I DID IT!!!!

Just an Update

I haven't posted anything in a while, so I figured I should. Life is good. I got a wedding planner started. There isn't much in it, but I have found a couple of dresses that I like. I finally have my ring!!!! It's soooo beautiful. (pictured). I finally feel engaged now ;)

About a week ago, I had a few issues with my daughter. She has been acting a bit strange around Steven. After spending the weekend with my parents, she confided in my mom and told her that she didn't feel like he acted like her dad. She said that the only interraction they have is when he's getting on to her. That, I feel, is mainly her fault being that she spent most of her time in her room watching T.V. She felt like he liked Brayden better than her. Brayden has taken a very big liking to Steven. Brayden now calls Steven "daddy" without missing a beat. Brayden loves him very much. I did feel that maybe Payton had a valid point that Steven seemed closer to Brayden, but like I said before, that was mainly her fault. So, finally we sat her down and had a talk with her. Steven let her hold Baldasarre (our snake) while he cleaned out his tank. He made her feel special with that. We also watched a movie together that night. Since then she seems to have been feeling a lot better. She now also calls him Daddy. Steven seems to be trying to make her feel included, which is very nice of him. I feel like we're finally all a family.

Things are crappy at work. I want to find another position as I feel that my boss can be pretty unfair to members on our team quite a bit.

Ok, so there's the update. I'll keep you all posted ;)

Long Weekend

Wow.. what a weekend. I had my little brother and sister come spend the weekend with us. My brother is 8 and my sister is 9. Saturday was my company picnic so Steve and I hauled the kids to that. We had a blast. There was plenty to do for the kids and tons of food. The kids really enjoyed themselves.

After the picnic, my friend and her boyfriend came over. My friend brought her neice over so that she could do my little sister's hair. She had it all braided. It took 4 hours to do.. but it was worth it. She looked really great.

Yesterday, my parents came to pick up my brother and sister.. and to eat dinner. Steve made some GREAT enchiladas. My parents really enjoyed dinner. It was a fun weekend, but it was nice to relax once they had gone.

So.. back to work this morning. I was only there a couple of hours when I got a phone call that my son was running a 102 fever. So, after my long weekend I got to come home and take care of him. It was ok though.. we took a nice nap together on the couch. He's feeling a little better now, so hopefully I will get to go back to work tomorrow.

VENT AND RAVE TIME

I just had to post the update to my last blog post.....

Yesterday, Friday, the pregnant girl I was talking about yesterday called in sick to work!!! I couldn't believe it. She called me and told me that she had gotten sick while brushing her teeth, and was just feeling horrible.. so she couldn't come to work. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! The kicker was after work, she called me and I asked her how she was feeling. She told me she wasn't feeling sick anymore, but her back was killing her!!!!!!

Come on! She just found out she was pregnant 3 days ago. Before she found out, she had had no symptoms WHATSOEVER!! Now all of a sudden she's so sick she can't come to work.. and her back hurts?????

People like that really piss me off. I can't stand people that use pregnancy as a sickness or disease. I remember being pregnant with my two kids. I LOVED the fact that I got morning sickness... I treasured and savored the moment. It may sound weird.. but I thought it was great. I have a feeling that this is probably going to be mentioned quite a bit in my blogs for the next..oh I don't know..7 MONTHS!!!!

I don't want to keep going on about it. But I now know of 2 people that are unable to have children. It burns my ass that girls like them.. that deserve children.. can't have them... and whiney asses like the girl I know get pregnant on the whim of "trying to save her marriage". I would give anything (not right now, but one day) to be in her shoes. I thought I had kind of got over wanting to have another baby... but now she's just making it worse. The more she bitches and moans about what she's going through, the more I just want to yell at the top of my lungs.. "THINK YOURSELF DAMN LUCKY THAT YOU'RE GETTING TOO!!!!"

There is a very good chance that I will never get to have another baby. This thought makes me very depressed sometimes, but there are valid reasons why this may never happen, and so I accept it. Steve doesn't really want to have kids.. being that we already have 2. That's understandable, and I shouldn't complain... I have a boy and a girl.. so we're pretty set. But the thought of having a child with him is driving me crazy. It was a little whim at first.. kind of a little wish.. but the more I have to deal with this bitch.. the more it's becoming so much more than that. To be pregnant, go through those wonderful nine months.. having the baby and sharing in the most wonderful moments of having a beautiful bundle of joy.... DAMN it's bringing tears to my eyes. I really should stop now. Hopefully I can come up with something a little more bright for my next post. But here's my vent and rave... I'm done.

Nothing New

(This adorable lil baby is my boss' new daughter, she was born 3 months early, and is now a beautiful, healthy baby)

Well, it's been over a week since I've posted anything.. so I figured I should. Nothing really new is going on with us. We're planning our wedding slowly, but surely. I'm very excited about it.. I can't wait to get that ring on my finger.. LOL

I should have my engagement ring soon (I hope). At that point, I will truly feel engaged. Not that I don't now.. but it seems very weird to me when I refer to him as my "fiance" and people automatically look toward my ring finger. I know it sounds kind of stupid.. but that's how I feel.

I think I have my maid of honor picked out.. I'm also going to more than likely have to have a matron of honor being that another good friend of mine was kind of hoping for the role. I have a very weird feeling towards this too that probably sounds bad.. but here goes. She just found out she's pregnant... now being that I'm planning on getting married around April.. that's going to put her around 7-8 months pregnant. Now here's where the bad feelings come in... this is going to be MY day (ours.. sorry baby).. but still.. I don't want the attention focused on how cute she looks in her dress... I WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION DAMN IT!!!!!

It's bad enough that I've been feeling so strongly about having another baby lately, but now I have to listen to it everyday from her. She just found out yesterday.. and today all I heard about was how she felt sick, and hungry, and cold... OMG!!! I hate it... it's already driving me crazy with jealousy. Damn this post sounds so bad. I need to stop now. Till next time ;)

One thing after another

Wow.. what a week I've had. I've come to terms with the fact that when something good happens in my life... it's beaten back by 3 times as many bad things.

For two weeks now, my finance (love saying that) and I have been planning to take our (love saying that too..lol) kids to the zoo. Wednesday, after work, I had a little car trouble... nothing major.. thought it was a connection to the battery. It didn't start, but got it started after a couple of trys. Didn't have any more problems till Friday. Friday morning comes... the kids and I go out to the car to leave for work/school... car won't start. This time, it's not starting after a couple of trys. The car is just clicking when I try to get it started. So, I call up a friend of mine to come and get me for work. When I get home from work on Friday, I call my mom to tell her about my car problem and she hits me with more bad news. My grandfather had a fall, and broke his hip!!!! Ok, two bad things in one day. My grandfather, my mother told me, was ok. He was scheduled for surgery the next day.

So, Saturday comes... and so does a whole lot more. Steve and I have planned on how we're going to fix the car. He's going to borrow some jumper cables from his brother and see if we can't get the car started that way. He goes to his brother's... his brother can't find his jumper cables. No biggie.. Steve can borrow some from his Dad. He also is going to borrow a jack, being that my piece of shit car has the battery underneath the car instead of on top. So, he comes home from his brother's.. and before he heads to his dad's, he realizes something else wrong with the car. The right front tire has metal showing. AAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Ok...another plan. He's going to go borrow the jack and jumper cables... he wants me to find a place that sells used tires while he's gone. I complete that task, and as soon as he gets home he goes to take off of the tire. Guess what???? THE JACK IS TOO BIG!!!! It won't fit under my car. So, we figure we'll jump the car... drive it to the tire shop and get it fixed that way. The car jumps pretty easy... FINALLY something goes right!!!!

Ok... so get this icing to the cake. We get the tire all fixed, the car starts up no problem and we head back to Gentry. I get to the grocery store in Gentry.... I pull in....I'll be God Damned the left front tire is flat as a pancake!!!!!! I lose it. I can't think that anything else can go wrong. We don't have a jack to put the donut on the car, so the car has to stay there. I get extremely pissed off. I call my mom on the verge of tears. Steve was with us with the truck, in case the car wouldn't start, so we all rode home with him.

I'm so lucky to have a great man to make me feel better. I really gave him a hard time when I got home. I was so pissed off that I just wanted to be alone.. and I took my frustration out on him. It's just a good thing he is so wonderful, cause he just ignored it. He left me alone for a while like I asked, but not for long. He was right back in there talking to me, listening to my self pity, and getting me to cheer up. My mom called and told me that my dad was going to come and get the car in the morning and take it back to his house to fix. Also, my grandpa made it out of surgery just fine. Hopefully this will be the end of my bad luck for right now. I know there will be more.. there always is.. but hopefully I can get through this weekend without any more hiccups.

My HUGE announcement

I'm going to make this a quick one...

I'm very pleased to announce that I am now engaged to a wonderful man. Yep folks, Steve finally popped the question... and of course I accepted. We thinking maybe doing it next Spring. We want to focus on getting our house and stuff first. I'm sooooo excited!!!!

I'm not into a huge wedding.. up until a couple weeks ago I wasn't into weddings.. LOL. Anywho.. it's just going to be a small, but nice ceremony. All I care about is that I'm going to marry the most wonderful man. I love him with all my heart... never loved anyone this much!!!

Not much else to write about right now.. but I get more on here later.

The "JOJO" project

Wow.. what a weekend it has been. This weekend I had some pretty upsetting moments. I also realized by these feelings that I really do have such a wonderful man. I made a very stupid mistake by comparing him to my ex. This was probably the most awful and cruel thing I could ever of done. So, he did something that kind of reminded me of what I had to go through when I was with the "asshole", but there's no way in hell I could ever compare my loving, sweet, kind, and thoughtful man to the most horrible, cruel, coldhearted SOB I've ever known. I don't know if it's possible, but this weekend I've fallen so much more in love with my wonderful man. I've now changed my views on something I wrote a few posts ago.. I know can openly say that "I hope I marry this man someday!!!" Can you believe it??? I want to marry this man!!! I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I've known that for a while... but now I actually want to make it offical one day.

Ok, so enough with all that. The real reason for this post is that over this weekend, I've decided to start something that I've wanted to do for a very long time. I've started writing a book. I've always enjoyed writing, and with the shit that I've been through in my life I definately thought I could make a book out of it. I thought it might be interesting to read about all that crap. Teen pregnancy, abusive relationship.. just to name a couple of things I've been through.. there are so many more. So, I sat down at the computer yesterday and started at it. The words seemed to flow out of me so easily. I'm only half way through the first chapter, but I want to keep going until it's done. I don't know if it will be something I'll try and get published, it's mainly for my sake.... but we'll see.

Ok, so there's the update for now. I'll keep updating on my progress on my book.

Trying a few new things

Well, my baby and I have decided to try something new. He's had a website for a long time now.. but he's decided he's gonna try and revamp it by adding a discussion forum. He's included me on the whole thing.. and I'm really excited. It's gonna be kind of hard to find members.. but I'm working on that. For anyone that stumbles across this blog.. it's forums.darkventures.com It's totally free to register and post. I hope it's gonna be lots of fun.

Well, it was my daughter's second day of Kindergarten today. She got to ride the school bus for the first time.. and she very much enjoyed it.

Tonight she finally got the guts up to talk to Steve about her calling him "daddy". He told her that it was ok, and so most of the evening she's been calling him "daddy". This is quite humorous to me.. I don't know why.. I guess it will take some getting used to. I know it seems kind of fast to be doing something like this.. but believe me, if I didn't think he was the "real deal" it would never happen. I love him very much, and trust his decision. If this is something he really wants then I'm ok with it. But it had to be something that they REALLY wanted to happen. Payton (my daughter) seems to be very happy with it. My son is a little thrown off.. but I think he'll fall into suit soon. I'm not going to pressure either one of them into this.. just as I hope Steve doesn't feel like he was pressured into it. I want all three of them to be comfortable with it.. but I have to admit.. it definately makes me love him that much more.. if that's possible. It helps me feel like we're more of a family.

The subject of marriage has popped up quite a bit between my friends and myself here lately. I have, here in the past 4 years, been DEAD SET AGAINST marriage. I see too many break ups, divorces and stuff. But, I have to admit.. as much as I hate to... that I'd probably marry this man... that's how much I love him. But that is something that is probably a lil early to be talking about... but we'll see what happens in the future.

Life is Great

Not really much to update on right now... Except the biggest memorable moment of MY LIFE!!!!
He loves me!!!! I didn't think the day would come so soon... but he does. He told me the other night. I couldn't help but break into tears. I don't think I've ever been so happy before in my life. Like I've said before, I've had love in my life before... at least I thought I had.. until I met Steven. I am soooo happy!!!

The past 4 months of my life has given me a "start over". I've been given the chance to let go of my past.. and start over new. I still have the occasional nightmare, basically cause I'm still scared that this could end at any moment. But I've tried to drill into my head that I can't let that happen. I feel that this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I've never been able to make that statement before. We've talked a lot about things to come in our life.. buying a house being the biggest one of those things.

My children have asked A LOT if this man is going to be their "new" dad. It's very hard to answer this question. I love my children very much, and they have never had a strong role model in their life except my dad. They think the world of "Steve" (that's what they call him). My daughter has asked me several times why she can't call him "dad". Once again, I don't know how to answer this question. This should be between them and him. It's a lot to ask a man that's only been in their lives such a short time... but I think that they're ready to make the step over.. just as I have.

It was my daughter's first day of Kindergarten yesterday. She was so excited!! I cried. LOL. She very much wanted Steven and I both to pick her up from school, and we did. She really didn't have much to say about her first day except it was great. Steven and her are now gone to Fayettville together to go and buy some rats for Baldasarre (our snake). I think this will be great for her.. as she has been yearning so much to spend some time with him.

Ok, well that's the update so far.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Have you ever been so happy you think you might explode??? That's how I've felt all weekend. Even though this past week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.. there's been one person here to make things feel all better. (You know who you are baby ;) ) Just when I thought I couldn't be any more lonely.. any more unhappy...I find the most wonderful man.

They say things happen when you least expect it.. well I definately am a strong believer of that. He has opened my eyes to so many wonderful things. He cares, he wants to listen, he wants to talk. The adrenaline that rushes through my veins when he holds me.. when he kisses me.. just can't be described. I've never really been a believer in true love. Don't get me wrong.. I've loved before... but never the kind of love that makes you think you can just float up into the sky.. that nothing can ever go wrong. That's the kind of love that I have for him. Even though the feelings aren't mutual just yet... I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE!!!!! 5 words I never thought would ever come from my lips.. EVER.

I've always liked to think of myself as a romantic. I watch love movies and yearn for what they have... cry with them.. but it's just the movies. I never in a million years believed that this stuff happened in real life. How wrong I was. Guys have come and gone in my life.. no biggie.. I move on. But this one has come.. and I hope that NEVER leaves. The thought of him leaving me would actually break my heart. And if you're reading this.. even though I don't have the guts to tell you to your face.. as I know that you yet don't feel the same.. I have something I want to tell you.... I LOVE YOU!!!! Please know that I'm not asking for anything in return. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know you said that you don't get freaked out... but if I've done that by what I've wrote.. I'm sorry... but you told me that you wanted to know what I was feeling.. Well, here you go.

Life's a Bitch... and SO AM I

The title pretty much says it all for today. I'm not going to go into my drawn out past.. but to make a very long story short....

I was in the relationship from hell 4 years ago. A child was a product of this relationship. I love my son very much, but wouldn't really care if the ground that my ex walked on swallowed him whole. For most of my son's life I had never stopped my ex from seeing him. He chose not to... either by having his sorry ass thrown in jail, living 300 miles away, or just out doing it when it was convinient for him. Time after time I had to watch my son suffer as the asshole came in and out of his life. Finally, after a huge fight.. and him having me thrown in jail (long story, don't want to go into), I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to put my son through all the heart ache anymore. I found out a couple of months ago that my ex had enlisted into the national guard (biggest joke I'd ever heard in my life). He was going to Iraq!!!! He wanted to say his final goodbyes to his son before he left. I said no. Three months later, his sorry ass is still here.. and he's getting married on Saturday (which my son was not invited to), and leaving for Iraq next week. Not once has he tried to have anything to do with him, and now all of a sudden I'm getting the guilt trip from hell from his family because I won't let him see my son. Am I wrong??? Maybe. But I've spoke to my son about the situation.. and granted he is still very young, I respect his decision that he doesn't want to see his father. There is a new man in his life now. A man that's there for him, every day when he gets home from school... on weekends.. and everything in between. My kids finally have some stability in their life, and I'm not going to fuck it all up because of a guilt trip. The asshole has had control over my life way too long... it's over.. not happening anymore!!!! I've moved on... I made a promise to my children (I have a daughter also that isn't biogically his) that I would find them someone so much better to be in their lives. They both believe that I have fulfilled this promise.. and that's all that matters to me.

Finally Climbed the Wall

Well, it's very weird how so much can change in a day. The wall that I so desperately wanted to climb over... has finally been done!!! Not just that, but I was able to take a sledge hammer to it.

Last night was one of the most important nights of my life. Last night, I swallowed all doubts and fears that I had about my relationship. Can I guarantee now that it's going to work out between us?? NO, of course not. But I'm sure going to put my heart and soul into making it the best relationship possible. I haven't felt so free in so long. It's like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of my shoulders. I finally got to see the real inside of the man that I have shared my life with for the past 3 months... and now I want to keep sharing it for as long as he can put up with me ;)

The thought of being able to share my thoughts, opinions and feelings with a man was so not believeable to me. Men have never been interested about what's going on in my head. Nor have they wanted to hear about the things that have been bothering me, things that are on my mind, problems that are going on in my head... but he does!! He has also been able to share his thoughts and secrets with me... and the thought that a man wants me to know everything about him (good or bad) is one of the most important things I've ever came across. I've never thought about it before.. being that I never thought that would be something given to me by a man. So, is it true love??? No, it's not to that level yet.... but I would like it to get there someday. I don't know what I would do without him now. I hate being away from him, when he leaves me to go to work at night I miss him so much, when I'm at work I can't wait to get home to him. I can finally say for the first time in almost 5 1/2 years..... I'M HAPPY.. REALLY, TRULY HAPPY!!

The Life and Times of Me

It's weird for me to have an online journal that can be seen by anyone. But then on the other hand there has to be people out there that goes through the same shit I do on a daily basis. I'm hoping I can use this to vent, discuss, and basically just share the crap that I endure on a daily basis.

I'm going through a very rough time in my life right now. I've been single for over 4 years starting out a relationship with a great guy. This should be a good thing for most people, but for me it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. My last relationship was a living nightmare... those nightmares that seem to be coming to me now on a nightly basis. I'm not used to being shown respect, attention and most of all love. Which I don't even know if that's what it really is. He hasn't told me that he loves me, just that he wants me to be happy. That's not the same thing.. is it?? I don't think so. I can't help but feel resentment in my heart towards my boyfriend. Maybe that's not the right word to use. Basically, I have a very hard time trusting any man... I always believe that there is an alternate motive going on in their heads.

I have thought of myself these past 4 years as the "lay over" for guys. The girl that a guy can go to in between finding someone that they really want to be with. I do feel different with Steve, however my heart, mind and soul continues to not allow me become too attached. My mind constantly reminds me of my past, mostly by dreams.. but other things too. It's like a wall I really want to climb, but just can't seem to get over it. How do I know he's for real?? How do I know that the minute I let my guard down he won't leave?? I don't. I've taken risks in the past... most of the time bad ones, but something tells me that he might be the one. I don't want to screw things up with him becaus of my past. I want to be able to let go of it... move on... be happy. How do I do that??